


Love Was Always Here

by StackerPentecost



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - No Zombie Apocalypse, Bisexual Rick Grimes, M/M, Pansexual Negan (Walking Dead), Trans Male Character, Trans!Negan, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-08
Updated: 2018-04-04
Packaged: 2019-03-15 15:35:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13616364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StackerPentecost/pseuds/StackerPentecost
Summary: Rick grew up having one best friend in the whole world, Lucille. But she disappears at the end of eighth grade, supposedly to live with her grandparents. That was years ago. Now Rick is starting his junior year in high school and he comes face to face with a new boy named Negan. Except he isn't so new at all. Will the two boys find what they need in each other? Or will the prejudice in their small town keep them apart for good?





	1. Reunited

**Author's Note:**

> Ah yes, another story. I came up with this idea while talking to Chloe, aka casownsmyass, and she, of course, encouraged me to write it. So here's the first chapter! Be warned, I have some plans for this but I'm not entirely sure where I'm going, as usual, so updates probably won't be regular but I will do my best. I have not forgotten about Boundless Miracles, I'm just having trouble coming up with the next chapter. Nonetheless, I will forge on! Every single comment and kudos is appreciated!

It was the first day of Rick’s junior year. He wasn’t particularly excited. After it was just another year of the same old routine, just with different teachers in different classrooms. He’d decided to change things up a bit and drive to school, since he’d just gotten his license over the summer. His dad’s old weather beaten pickup was nothing to be jealous of, but it ran well and got Rick where he needed to be without a hassle.

The only other thing he noticed this morning that seemed to be out of the ordinary was that he’d ended up parking the truck next a midnight black Harley Davidson. Rick didn’t know much about motorcycles but admired the black and chrome finish nonetheless. He wondered who it belonged to. He doubted any of his teachers would have the balls to ride one of those, as most of them turned up their noses at anything that seemed wild in their small Georgia town. Now, that had to mean that it belonged to a student and one whose parents would actually allow them to own such a thing, or maybe they parked it some place where it could be easily hidden. Honestly, Rick could think of no one in his school who would want to be seen on something that would inevitably turn heads wherever it went.

Putting those thoughts aside, Rick slid from the pickup’s cab and grabbed his messenger bag, already weighed down with his schedule and several spiral bound notebooks filled with all the ideas and daydreams that spun in his head. He’d been writing ever since he’d figured out that he could be in control of the story by making up his own. He spent every waking moment of his free time writing, even during school. He wrote when there was a quiet moment in class, he wrote during his lunch period when he could get away with it and he couldn’t wait to write when he got home for the day. He was smart though and didn’t let it affect his grades, so he got more leeway with teachers than most of the other kids did.

The weather was still warm, so he’d chosen to wear a simple t shirt and jeans for the day, with the boots his mother had gifted him for his sixteenth birthday. As he walked up to the building, he was suddenly jostled as someone knocked their hip into his.

Rick looked up and smiled. “It’s good to see you too, Shane.”

“Hey Rick, still carrying around all those notebooks I see.”

Rick flushed faintly and looked at his feet as Shane slung an arm around his shoulders. “Yeah, so what?”

“So what nothing, Rick, you know I don’t mind your nerdy tendencies. Sure wish you’d let me read some of your shit once in a while though.”

Rick rolled his eyes, adjusting his glasses so they sat more comfortably on his nose. “We both know you’re not exactly the reading type, Shane.”

Shane pursed his lips as though contemplating this before he nodded. “You’ve got a point.”

The other boy shoved a hand into his pocket then, digging out a crumpled piece of paper that appeared to be his schedule. “So, who ya got first, brother?”

Rick didn’t have to look, he’d already memorized his class list. “Horvath, you?”

“Son of a bitch, I’ve got Blake. What kind of shit is that?”

And so, they ran down each of their classes, Shane swearing up a storm every time they differed. “Dammit man, it looks like we’ve only got two classes together.”

Rick did feel a little bit sad, but he was used to being on his own. He and Shane had been friends only since the beginning of high school. Before that, it had been him and.. Rick shook his head. No, he refused to think about her. She was gone now, there was no use dwelling on the past.

As they walked, a thin brunette wearing cutoffs and a flannel button up minus the sleeves, bounded up to them. Rick sighed. He should’ve known better. When it came to Shane, there was no avoiding Lori. She smiled at both of them, but she looked especially happy when she locked eyes with Shane.

He supposed if she could, she would delete him from Shane’s life entirely. But Shane didn’t seem to notice and didn’t seem to want to stay away from Rick, even after he had basically stolen Lori from him. It had been freshman year, and Rick had developed a crush on Lori. When he’d asked her to the dance and she said yes, he’d been thrilled. He’d gotten all dressed up, even paid for her dress so they could match. The night had gone alright at first, until about halfway through the night when Shane came on the scene. It didn’t take much to coax her away from Rick and into Shane’s arms. Rick and Shane hadn’t spoken for a few months after that, until Shane came around, asking to be friends again.

Still, the cloud of what had happened always hung over them, especially since Shane and Lori were always on, even when Shane insisted they were off. Now, Lori barely paid Rick any attention when it was the three of them. It was like being the third wheel to the umpteenth degree.

Still, Rick put up with it. Shane was one of his few friends and besides that night, he’d always been good to him. So when Lori ignored him, he ignored her right back.

She leaned up and they shared a drawn out kiss. Rick looked down at his hands while he waited for it to be over. When they parted, she asked breathlessly, “Did you hear?”

Shane raised an eyebrow. “Hear about what?”

“The new guy! It’s all anyone’s talking about.”

Rick was about to tune them out when she continued, “They say he came in riding a Harley.”

He blinked, curiosity peaked. So was this the person who rode the bike he parked next to this morning?

“Have you seen him?”

She nodded excitedly. “He’s tall, dark and definitely handsome.”

Shane made a face. “As handsome as me?”

Lori giggled, giving him another kiss. “Of course not.”

Rick resisted the urge to gag. “Uh Shane? I think I’m gonna head inside now, maybe get in a little writing before first period starts.”

Shane shrugged. “Okay, man. See you at lunch, right?”

“Of course.”

Rick extracted himself from under Shane’s arm and headed inside, keeping his bag close as he made his way through the crowd. First he went and found his locker for this year. Surprisingly, the combination worked on the first try and Rick wondered if maybe that was a sign of good things to come. He decided he may as well get to his first class, which happened to be one of his favorites. He excelled in most every subject but he had a special place in his heart for English. Most of his previous English teachers had encouraged his writing habit, so he hoped Mr. Horvath felt the same way.

Rick had been so deep in thought about his class and the writing he could possibly get done, that he hadn’t been paying much attention to where he was going. That was, until he ran straight into a warm, solid, leather clad chest and went toppling backward. His bag opened and his notebooks went skidding across the floor in every direction. Rick groaned, swearing under his breath and wincing as several people stepped on his most prized possessions in an effort to get past him and down the hall. Assholes. The least they could do is step over them.

“Fucking shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t see you there, Rick.” The voice was warm and smooth, like velvet.

Rick blinked, adjusting his glasses and looking up, having forgotten the tall stranger he had run into. He was not expecting to come face to face with another boy, dressed in almost all black except for the white t shirt underneath his leather jacket. The first thing Rick thought was that he must be sweating his ass off in that outfit. And how did he know Rick’s name? He hadn’t met his boy before, had he? Rick’s eyes roved over his face, from the slicked back dark hair, to the gleaming white teeth, to the bit of stubble on his chin. But it was those eyes, those deep hazel eyes and the recognition they held that made Rick’s breath catch in his throat. He froze, unable to keep from staring. It couldn’t be. There was no way.

“L-Lucille?” His voice was barely a whisper.

The boy stiffened slightly, eyes skittering about to make sure no one had heard him. “It’s Negan. My name is Negan.”

Rick bit his lip but nodded. “Okay, L-Negan.”

Negan moved, easily reaching out to pick up Rick’s notebooks before tucking them back into his messenger bag. He offered the bag to Rick. “Sorry about that.” He murmured and stood, reaching a hand out to help Rick to his feet. Rick couldn’t help noticing how strong his grip was.

“It’s okay.” He muttered, trying to keep from outright gawking at someone who had once been his best friend, practically his other half.

Negan cleared his throat. “Well uh, I suppose I should be going. It was nice seeing you.”

Rick watched as Negan turned to walk away. He just couldn’t let that happen, not when he had so many questions. He reached out and grabbed Negan’s wrist. The other boy stopped, looking bewildered as he turned back to Rick.

“Who do you have first?” Negan tilted his head before reaching to shove the sleeve of his jacket up, where he’d clearly written his schedule down on his wrist.

“Uh..Horvath, why?”

Rick wet his lips. “That’s where I’m going.”

It turned out they shared an almost identical class list.

“You have first lunch?”

Negan nodded.

“Can we talk there?”

Negan seemed to hesitate briefly as he considered this. “As long as you don’t go blurting out..the L-word again.”

Rick bit his lip. “I will try my best, you have my word.”

“Then you’re more than welcome to sit with me.”

Letting out a soft sigh, Rick moved to follow Negan down the hall toward their first class.

* * *

 

Lunch couldn’t come fast enough. So many thoughts and questions swirled in his head. How could it be? How could it be that Lucille, the beautiful, slender girl with long dark locks that had once been his best friend, was now this tall, broad and handsome boy? Where had she - he, Rick mentally corrected - been all this time? Was this why he’d simply up and left town? If so, why had nobody, especially Negan himself, told Rick about this? He would’ve understood, or at least tried to.

He had to physically keep from turning around to look at Negan every five seconds during class. The other boy had chosen to sit in the back in every single period he shared with Rick and he wondered if he’d done this so he could look at Rick without anyone thinking it was out of the ordinary. Probably wishful thinking. Who knew if Lu-Negan, even still wanted to be around him? A lot had changed since the last time they’d seen each other.

Still, even if they weren’t going to be friends anymore, Rick felt that he was owed some sort of explanation at the very least. It wasn’t even the change itself that Rick was concerned with, he just wanted to know why Negan had went so far to hide it from him. He thought he was a pretty understanding and open minded person, he would’ve never done anything to hurt Lucille if he had known she was really Negan. They had been best friends, he would’ve done anything to make things easier.

When the bell finally rang, Negan was one of the first ones out the door. Rick quickly gathered up his things and hurried after him. It wasn’t hard to keep sight of Negan in crowd, he towered over most everyone. Rick followed him into the cafeteria. He waited a few moments for the other boy to take his seat before going after him. Only to be intercepted by Shane, Lori on his arm.

“Hey man, how’s it going? Let’s find a seat, I’m starving.” Lori narrowed her eyes and turned to follow his gaze to where it rested on Negan.

She rolled his eyes. “Hate to say it, but he’s way out of your league, sport.”

Rick gritted his teeth. He still wished he had never told Shane that he was bi, so that he couldn’t have blurted it out to Lori not three weeks later. Now she had never done anything more malicious to him than making snide biphobic remarks, but it bothered him nonetheless. She didn’t have any damn business in saying who he was and wasn’t allowed to be interested in. Not that he was interested in Negan like that anyway. At least, he didn’t think he was.

Shane turned his head where she had looked and raised an eyebrow. “You know him or something?”

Shane straight up avoided addressing Rick’s sexuality. He’d never said anything mean to him or mentioned liking him less for it, but he wasn’t exactly supportive either. Rick supposed it could be worse in their small town. Shane could’ve blabbed to his parents or the neighborhood or the whole school and then he really would’ve been an outcast.

“No..Well, I’ve got a few classes with him, that’s all. I was just thinking about sitting with him. Maybe he needs a friend or something.”

Lori looked like she believed him about as far as she could spit.

Shane shrugged. “Want us all to go over there? Introduce ourselves and shit?”

Lori immediately changed her tune, subtly adjusting her shirt to show more cleavage and pulling down her shorts a little so her bellybutton showed. “Yeah, let’s do that.”

Rick suddenly felt protective. Negan didn’t need that shit, maybe he wasn’t even into girls? Besides, Lori was notorious around the school and the last thing Rick wanted was for someone he at least thought he cared about to make the same mistake with her as he had done.

“You know what? Let’s not. He seems like just another asshole anyway.”

He inwardly prayed that Shane would accept his excuse and focus his attention on something else.

Apparently someone was listening to his prayers.

“Sure man, whatever. Let’s get something to eat, yeah? I’m fucking starving.” To prove his point, he patted his stomach and steered them toward the lunch line. Rick hoped it didn’t look like he was abandoning Negan. He was determined to get over there as soon as he had a chance.

He decided on a sandwich and some chips for once, one of the healthier things that was offered at the school. He followed Shane and Lori, quietly paying for his food before following to the table that had been ‘theirs’ since freshman year. It was more like a table filled with Shane’s friends, who were more like acquaintances to Rick.

They weren’t bad people, he just wasn’t close with any of them. There was Glenn, track star and math whiz, who delivered pizzas for the only pizza place in town. Maggie was his girlfriend, had been since middle school. She and her younger sister Beth were pillars of the cheer team. Carol was the free spirit of the group, once a timid mousy girl but now the best artist in the county school system with cropped silver hair. Andrea was a blonde with a brain and the mouth to match, along with an affinity for shooting. Michonne was quieter, more reserved than the rest of them but she came alive on the basketball court. He bet he knew more about them than they knew about him. That’s just how it usually was. He observed people, took mental notes, but most people overlooked him.

It didn’t take long for Shane to overtake the conversation. He was like that, always needing to be the center of attention. Lori always hung on every word too and so did most of the others. It was easy enough for Rick to slip away and head over to Negan’s table. The other boy was sitting by himself in a less crowded area of the room. He looked out the window but appeared to not be eating.

Rick hesitated a moment before taking a seat across from him. “Hey..I’m sorry, I would’ve come over earlier but my friends sorta got in the way.”

Negan simply nodded. “I saw. Shane and Lori, right?”

“Yeah. They’re a thing. Shane’s nice and all, but I’m not really close with Lori. Or uh, even Shane, for that matter.”

Negan finally turned his head to meet Rick’s gaze. “Still on your own then, huh?”

“For the most part. But I wouldn’t have been if you had been there. Where did you go?”

The sigh that left Negan’s lips was weary and sounded like it had come from someone much older than he was.

“I didn’t go anywhere, Rick. I was here, in town, at my house. I never left.”

“My parents..they told me you moved away, went to live with your grandparents.”

Negan shook his head.

Rick felt his stomach twist. Did that mean they purposefully lied to him or simply told him what they thought was true?

“Is..Is that what your parents told everyone?”

“Everyone but your parents.”

Son of a bitch. They had lied to him.

He bit down on his lip, trying not to jump to conclusions. Maybe they had a reason.

Rick blinked, head tilting to one side. “But I never saw you, not once. I said goodbye to you the last day of eighth grade, when we each went our own way after walking home. I never saw you again after that.”

“I didn’t want you to see me. I barely left the house. I had just started hormone therapy when school ended. I knew the changes were coming. I couldn’t take having you see me like that. The changes that were happening were what I wanted, but I was afraid I’d scare you away.”

Rick felt his throat constrict at that. “You could never scare me away.”

“It was a lot, Rick. Essentially, most of my body changed. I had the first surgery a year after I started hormones. I'm still considering the second. I went to online school in the meantime. It was only after spending this last summer recovering that I felt well enough to come back.”

There was a lapse of silence. Negan’s fingers tapped anxiously on the table. “Are you mad at me?”

He was looking out the window again.

“Well, I’m disappointed you didn’t have more faith in me and our friendship, but I understand. So no, I’m not mad. I’m also happy actually, happy to have you back.”

Negan bit his lip. “I’m not the same fucking person, Rick. I doubt you’re the same either.”

“That may be so, but that doesn’t mean we can’t get to know each other again. You have no idea how much I’ve missed you, L-Negan.”

Negan inhaled, his breathing shaky as he looked over at Rick. He blinked in surprise when Rick reached across the table and placed a hand over his.

“I mean it. I never forgot about you.”

Negan seemed to be inwardly debating his response. Finally, he murmured softly, “Okay.”

He turned over his hand, so their fingertips brushed. Rick smiled softly, taking this to mean it was okay to take the other boy’s hand. For a moment, all he could feel was where they touched, the pleasant tingling sensation radiating up his arm. But then Negan was pulling back and ducking his head, clearly having noticed someone watching them.

That was okay. Rick didn’t want to embarrass him.

Something occurred to him then. “Hey, where’s your lunch?”

Negan shrugged. “Mom and Dad already scraped together so much money for me, I hate even asking for lunch. I forgot to make something to bring.”

“Well then let me buy you what you want.”

Negan shook his head. “Don’t.”

Rick sighed. He’d almost forgotten how stubborn his friend could be.

“At least share mine? Please? With all the stuff you’re going through, I’m sure you need to eat.”

Negan made a face which told Rick that he was probably right. “Fine. You better have gotten a decent fucking sandwich, Grimes.”

Rick smiled even more, unwrapping his ham and cheese sub on french bread, using the provided plastic knife to cut it in half. He gave half to Negan and opened the bag of chips so they could both pick from it.

“You still writing?” Negan asked after a few moments of quiet munching.

Rick nodded, patting his messenger bag. “As much as I can.”

This was the first time Rick had seen Negan smile since they’d become reacquainted. “You always did have your nose down, a pencil in your hand. I remember you used to get in trouble for not paying attention in math. Poor Mrs. Matthews about threw a shit-fit every time she caught you. It’s a good thing you’ve got those blue eyes and that damn smile or else she woulda eaten you alive.”

Rick let out a snort, swallowing down his bite of sandwich. “I’m lucky I’m decent at math or she would’ve failed me in a heartbeat given the chance.”

And so they spent some time reminiscing. It was nice for Rick, not feeling so much sadness over those memories like he had before he’d known what really happened to his best friend. Still, the fact that his parents had lied to him about what happened to Negan bothered him. He decided he would question them about it when he got home.

“Can I read some of your writing?” Rick looked up, pulled from his thoughts. He chewed his lip. He didn’t usually let people read his work. He honestly felt like a lot of it wasn’t even worth the time. But this was Negan and before he had been the only person Rick had allowed to snoop through his notebooks.

“Tell you what, if I can come over to your house after school, so we can catch up, then I’d be happy to show you what I’ve got. Deal?”

Negan pursed his lips. “Your parents won’t be upset?”

“Wouldn’t care even if they were.”

The other boy shrugged. “You got yourself a deal.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rick spends some time at Negan's house and confronts his parents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd just like to note I've changed the story slightly. Negan has not had both surgeries, just the top surgery. I thought I'd put that out there so no one gets confused.  
> I would also like to thank Vanemis, aka Nathan, who has been a huge help in getting this chapter out.

Rick felt almost sad when lunch ended. He had a few more classes with Negan before the end of the day but he doubted they’d have much, if any, time alone to talk and he certainly didn’t want someone to overhear something that wasn’t meant for them.

Nonetheless, Rick felt happy. Happy to see his best friend again, happy that Negan seemed to want to be around him again. And he was going to get to spend time at Negan’s house, just like he did when they were younger. As he exited the cafeteria, Rick found himself smiling.

The rest of the day passed by slowly, too slowly for Rick’s taste. He tried to fill in the time by writing in his notebook. He was currently working on an idea he had for a novel. The idea itself was still being fleshed out, but he worked on it as much as he could, writing scenes and adding note after note about where the story could go. He hoped one day to cobble it altogether into a finished product.

He was surprised when during his last period, a folded up note landed on his desk. He looked up at the girl next to him surprise - did he even know her name? - but she just pointed behind her, in Negan’s direction.

Turning back, Rick carefully and discreetly unfolded the note. The handwriting was familiar but also subtly different in a way. It read,

_Meet me in the parking lot after the bell? I hope you don’t mind riding back to my place on my bike._

This confirmed that the motorcycle he’d parked next to this morning was indeed Negan’s. It was kind of a thrill for Rick, he’d never really been around them before. He also found it cool that Negan’s parents were okay with him riding one. Rick’s parents were definitely not that relaxed, to say the least.

Rick tore off a little piece of notebook paper and quickly scrawled a response.

_I drove actually, so I can just follow you. But I would love to go for a ride sometime._

He nudged his neighbor and watched as the paper was delivered to Negan. The other boy read it, nodding at Rick when he finished and lifted his head.

When the bell rang, everyone filed out. Rick quickly made his way to his locker, gathering up his things before making his way toward the exit. He was halfway across the lawn when he was intercepted by Shane.

“Hey man, where are you off to in such a hurry?”

Rick stopped, biting his lip. He didn’t think he could tell Shane the truth. He would find it weird if he confessed he was going to visit Negan because to Shane, Negan was this new boy nobody had ever seen before. It would be hard to believe that he and Rick had become that close that quickly. Which meant he would have to explain how he knew Negan, and there was no way to do that without outing him and Rick would rather cut off his own arm than do that. Negan’s coming out and to whom was not his choice to make. If Shane was destined to know, then he would when Negan was good and ready. So, Rick did the only thing he could. He lied.

“I promised my ma that I’d help her cook dinner tonight. Dad’s working late so we wanted to make something nice for him to come home to.”

“Oh okay, man. That’s cool. I’ll text you later, yeah?” Shane smiled at him.

Rick returned his smile. “Sure, I’ll try and talk when I’m not helping her.”

Shane clapped him on his shoulder. “See ya later, brother.” With that he went off to join Lori, who had called his name from across the lawn.

Rick continued on his way, soon coming upon Negan, who was putting on a helmet and preparing to leave. He smiled softly when Rick approached. “I take it this hunk of shit beside me is what you drove. Your dad’s, right?”

Rick chuckled. “I see you remembered.”

“Hard to forget the sagging ass on that thing. You ready to go?”

Rick opened the door and climbed into the cab. He sat his bag on the seat beside him, buckled his seatbelt and put the key in the ignition. “Ready when you are,” He called.

Negan swung a leg over the bike and started it up, carefully backing out before taking off. Rick followed, enjoying the breeze coming in through the open window.

It wasn’t far to Negan’s house. They only lived a few blocks from each other actually, close enough that they often walked to each others’ houses as children. Rick pulled in the driveway behind Negan, killing the truck’s engine.

The place hadn’t changed, Rick was sure he would’ve noticed if it had. He watched this home for the last few years, hoping against hope that one day he would go by and he’d see his best friend again. And it had finally happened, he had him back, just not in the way he’d expected. If every day of junior year was like this, then he was in for a good year, he decided.

He met Negan by the bike, toting his bag. The other boy removed his helmet, fixed his messy hair and smiled at Rick again. “Come on, my parents are gonna be surprised, but I think they’ll be happy to see you.”

Walking into that house was like going back in time. Everything was just where he remembered it being. The vase filled with flowers from the bushes out front, sitting on a low table in the foyer. The picture of Negan’s parents on their wedding day mounted on the wall in the hallway. The crack in the first tile leading into the kitchen from when Negan had dropped a large baking dish filled with mashed potatoes on the floor when he was twelve. He remembered hearing that story for the first time, how his mother had regaled his getting potatoes literally everywhere. It had been so nice. These people had always treated him like family. He found himself excited to see Negan’s mother and father once again. He hoped things could be the way they were before now that he was back in Negan’s life.

They found his mother sitting at the kitchen table, a book in her hands. The room smelled of her chamomile tea. She looked up when they entered the room. She had the same dark hair as Negan and the same deep, warm hazel eyes.

“Hello, sweetheart -” She froze when she caught sight of Rick.

Negan smiled, leaning to kiss her cheek. “Hey, mom. You remember Rick, right?”

Rick chewed his lip before giving a little wave. “It’s good to see you again, ma’am.”

After a moment she seemed to recover from her shock. “Yes, yes, of course. It’s good to see you again too, hon.” She lifted her gaze to Negan, obviously surprised that he had allowed his status to be known to someone from school.

“He recognized me,” Negan explained. “It’s no big deal, he’s okay with it. I should’ve expected him to find out, he’s not exactly a dumbass. Nobody else picked up on a thing.” He glanced over at Rick, smiling gently. “Can he stay over for a while? We uh, we have a lot of catching up to do.”

She looked between them before giving a nod, taking Negan’s hand and giving it a squeeze. “As long as you’re okay with it, then so am I. Your father is still at work, but he shouldn’t be too much longer.” She looked at Rick. “Would you like to stay for dinner? I’m making lasagna.”

Rick smiled. “There’s no way I could pass up your lasagna.”

The boys headed upstairs then. Where most of the house hadn’t changed, Negan’s room definitely had. Rick remembered it being yellow, with lots of posters of horses and animals and flowers. Now the walls were a dark red, with posters of movies and classic rock bands. The bed was in all black and a lot of the clothes lying all over the floor were in black. Still, Rick liked it, mostly because it showed him who Negan truly was, the person that had been hiding inside Lucille for so long.

He set down his bag by the bed and sat down. Negan slipped out of his leather jacket and placed that next to his motorcycle helmet on the chair at his desk. He then came to sit down next to Rick.

“Look, I’m sorry for not telling you about what was happening to me. I realize now that you deserved to know. You’d never been anything but good to me, I should’ve saw that you would accept me.”

Rick turned to him. “Hey, it’s okay.”

“You have to understand something, Rick.” Negan sighed, looking down at his hands. “I was so scared...I wanted to change so bad, but I was scared to death. I was afraid I was suddenly going to change my mind halfway through it or some shit like that. I was scared that everyone around me would hate me, especially you. I cared about you so much, you were my everything. I couldn’t handle the thought that you might find out and then end up walking away from me or worse. It was all so overwhelming. So my parents and I decided it would be best for everyone if I just laid low for a while. And as it was, I hated leaving the house anyway. Hated people looking at me the way I was, hated people using the wrong words to describe me. I hated all of it. It was so much easier to just stay in the house, where I knew I wasn’t going to be judged.”

Rick listened quietly, murmuring softly when Negan finished, “I had no idea you were having such a hard time. I’m so sorry, Negan, I wish I would’ve seen it, so I could’ve tried to make it easier.”

“But you did.” Negan lifted his head to meet Rick’s gaze. “God, you were the only fucking good thing in my life outside of my house and my parents. Every time we were together, I somehow managed to forget all about how miserable I was. You made my life worth living. Because..there were times when I..” He quickly looked away, shame in his eyes.

Rick immediately reached to place a hand on his knee, squeezing gently. “You’re here, Negan. You may have done that in the past, but you made it. You’re alive. You got through it.”

“Because of you. Do you-Do you remember how at one point, I stopped wearing shorts? I stopped going swimming too, anything that exposed my legs.”

Rick thought back. Now that Negan mentioned it, he did remember that. It had happened not too long before he’d seen his best friend for the last time. He had started wearing long pants, jeans, sweats, anything to cover his legs. Rick had noticed, but had decided not to say anything, figuring it was none of his business. “I remember, yes.”

“It-It was..I was..” Negan swallowed thickly before leaning down to roll up the leg of his pants. He had it up to just above the knee when Rick noticed the scars. They were old and mostly faded, but they were still there. They were long and jagged, and appeared to be quite deep. Rick felt his stomach drop to the floor. He felt awful, for not saying something, for not doing anything to make sure Negan didn’t feel the need to hurt himself.

“I’m so fucking sorry,” Rick whispered. “I-I should have known...I should’ve asked. I should’ve done something!”

Negan shook his head, rolling his pant leg back down. “Please, stop that. It’s not your fault. In fact, you made me keep from...from going the whole way. From checking out permanently.” He glanced over at Rick. “You and my parents. You’re the reason I’m still alive.”

Hesitantly, Rick reached for Negan’s hand. He kept his touch loose, in case Negan wanted to pull away, but he didn’t. So Rick laced their fingers together, giving his hand a squeeze. “Still. I’m so sorry that you felt so awful, so bad, that you felt like the only thing you could do was hurt yourself. And I understand why you decided to keep it from me. I can’t imagine what it must have been like to face that. You were only fifteen, that must have been such a monumental thing to take on. I’m so happy you had your parents, even if you didn’t have me. And I’m here now, and I’m not going anywhere. I don’t want you out of my life ever again.”

Negan smiled softly, squeezing Rick’s hand in return. “Good. I’m happy to have you back.”

“But..you did tell my parents the truth, didn’t you?”

Negan sighed. “Yeah. My parents were honest with your parents. They told them the truth.”

Rick closed his eyes. “Did they ask my parents to keep the truth from me?”

“No. Your parents got upset. They uh, they wanted nothing to do with me and my parents. And they made us promise to keep the truth from you or we’d regret it. But I had already decided I didn’t want you to know, so I just figured maybe it was better that way, so I didn’t say anything when my mom and dad told me that your parents cut us out. I’m sorry Rick. You deserved to know and you didn’t deserve to be lied to by your own parents.”

“It’s okay, it wasn’t your fault. I’ll uh, I’ll deal with it later.” Rick looked over at the flat screen across from them, noticing the Xbox underneath. He nudged Negan. “You wanna play until dinner?”

Negan followed his gaze and promptly grinned mischievously. “Bet I can kick your ass.”

Rick was quick to return his look of glee. “Oh yeah? Well, we’ll just have to see about that, won’t we?”

* * *

 

They played for the better part of two hours. Negan beat Rick most of the time, but did take pity on him occasionally and let him win. They only stopped when Negan’s mother called them down to eat.

The whole house smelled wonderful, like meat and tomatoes and garlic bread. By then, Negan’s father had returned, already sitting at the table in the dining room when they came down the stairs together. The older man smiled upon seeing his son, also looking surprised when he saw Rick. “How was school?” He asked as Negan sat down and invited Rick to sit next to him.

“Good,” Negan responded, looking over at Rick. “And you remember Rick. He sorta recognized me when nobody else did. But it’s cool, he’s cool.” They shared a small smile.

“That’s great to hear. And Rick,” Negan’s father looked to his son’s best friend, “I’m sorry about you not knowing the truth. Did Negan explain what happened?”

Rick nodded. “Yes. It’s okay, there’s no hard feelings.”

Just then, Negan’s mother appeared, toting a baking dish filled with steaming lasagna. Negan immediately stood to help her, going into the kitchen to get the garlic bread and help fill everyone’s glasses. It made Rick smile seeing that Negan wanted to help his parents willingly, not just because he’d been told to, like Rick’s own parents. Rick was automatically expected to help and never received a thank you.

“I hope you boys are hungry,” Negan’s mother declared as everyone sat down and the food began to be passed around.

The food tasted as good as it smelled. Warm and gooey and every kind of delicious. Rick sopped up the leftover tomato sauce on his plate with a piece of garlic bread.

Negan watched with an amused gaze as Rick cleaned up every bit of food on his plate. It felt so incredibly good to have Rick back in his life. The boy was just as kind and pleasant as he remembered. He had taken all of this in stride and didn’t seem fazed in the least by Negan’s new appearance or everything that came along with it. Negan wished he had realized sooner that Rick would accept him, maybe then they never would’ve had to be apart. Or maybe they would have. Rick’s parents might have kept him away no matter what. And that worried Negan. What was going to happen when Rick went home and they found out they were spending time together again? How badly would they react? Negan didn’t want to lose Rick when he’d just gotten him back. Nonetheless, he tried not to worry too much.

After dinner, Negan told Rick he could go back upstairs while he helped his mother clean things up but Rick insisted on staying and helping. Together they did the dishes while Negan’s mother cleaned up the stove and put the leftovers away. When they finished, they retreated back to Negan’s room.

“You didn’t have to do that,” Negan said as they sat back down in front of the tv.

Rick shrugged. “Your mom didn’t have to invite me to dinner but she did. It’s the least I can do.”

“Well, can I look at your stuff now? You promised I could look at your writing.”

Rick reached over to grab his bag and opened it, offering Negan his notebook. “I have a lot of them laying around, some filled, some empty, but that’s the one I’ve been writing in lately.”

Negan crossed his legs beneath him, opening up the notebook. He quietly began to read and Rick leaned in next to him, unable to ignore the way their arms brushed. He liked that Negan didn’t mind his urges to be physically close. Rick had been like that when they’d known each other before, always wanting to touch his best friend and for a time, Negan had been the same way. But after a while, he’d begun to withdraw, wanting less and less contact. All that made sense now. Negan had been so miserable, it made sense that he’d didn’t want to touch or be touched. So Rick had kept his touches light and fleeting, which Negan seemed to tolerate better. But now that they were around each other again, Rick couldn’t help wanting to be close. It was nice to see that Negan was more comfortable with it once again, even returning it.

“Wow, you’ve gotten even better since we were younger,” Negan murmured, flipping a page.

“This is..amazing. Are you trying for a book?”

Rick shrugged, ducking his head shyly. “Yeah, I hope so, one day.”

“Well I will be the first in line to get a copy when you get published,” Negan stated emphatically, handing Rick back his notebook with a smile.

“Thanks. And uh, thanks letting me come over, letting me have dinner and spend time with you and your family. I’ve missed you for so long..I never dreamed I see you again.”

Negan sighed. “I’m so sorry, Rick..”

“No, hey, don’t do that. You already apologized and I already accepted that apology. I’m just glad I’m here, that you still want me around.”

“Of course I want you around. I never wanted you to go away, that’s just what happened. I never expected you to recognize me and I didn’t know if I was going to have the guts to come to you and tell you the truth, but I’m grateful that things went the way they did.” He smiled and nudged Rick. “I’m happy to have you back, Rick. I’m happy to have my best friend back.”

“Good, I feel the same way.” Rick was about to ask if Negan wanted to play another game when his eyes caught sight of the clock. He sighed heavily. It was getting late, he needed to get home soon.

“I guess I should be going. I wish I could stay, but my parents are gonna freak if I don’t get home pretty soon.”

Negan nodded, looking a little disappointed. “It’s cool, I get it. I don’t want you to get in trouble or some shit because of me.”

Rick bit his lip. “I can give you my number, so we can talk after I get home. Would that be okay?”

Negan brightened at that. “Yeah, that would be awesome.”

So they exchanged numbers as Rick gathered up his things. Negan walked Rick out to his truck. Before Rick climbed in, he hesitated, looking back at his friend.

“Can I hug you..?” He asked softly.

Negan looked slightly surprised, like he didn’t think Rick would want to do that. But then he nodded, chewing his lip. “If you want to.”

“I do,” Rick said without a hint of doubt. He came forward, wrapping his arms around the other boy. Negan seemed a little unsure but after a moment he slid his arms around Rick in return. It was comforting, being able to be close to someone like this, someone who wasn’t repulsed by him or his body at all. He pressed his face into Rick’s curly hair, inhaling the other boy’s familiar scent, something like spice and the welcoming scent of old books.

“I’ll talk to you when I get home, okay?” Rick asked when they parted.

“Okay.” Negan smiled softly, watching the boy climb into the truck. But worry swirled in the pit of his stomach. What was going to happen when Rick got home and confronted his parents?

* * *

 

Rick parked the truck in the garage before grabbing his bag and heading into his house. Both his parents were home, as his mother didn’t work and his father’s police cruiser was sitting in the driveway. He let himself inside, immediately heading up the stairs to drop off his bag in his room and change into something more comfortable.

“Rick? Is that you?” His mother called from downstairs.

“Yeah mom!” He called back, slipping out of his boots and jeans and putting on a pair of sweatpants. He then went down to see his parents, even though the idea of having this conversation had him feeling more than a little nervous.

“Where have you been?” His mother was sitting on the couch, her laptop open. His father was in the armchair, a newspaper in hand.

“I don’t have to be home right after school. I have a curfew and I made it,” Rick responded, looking between them. “I was spending time with a friend.”

“You couldn’t tell us you were over at Shane’s?” His father inquired gruffly from behind the newspaper.

“I..I wasn’t with Shane. I was with someone else.” Rick tried not to fidget, not wanting to seem worried. He shouldn’t have to worry, there was nothing wrong with his wanting to spend time with Negan.

“Then who were you with?” His mother closed her laptop, focusing on him.

Rick swallowed, determined to get through this. He reminded himself again and again that he’d done nothing wrong. “I was with Negan.”

His father lowered the paper, his expression unreadable. His mother looked outright aghast.

“How do you even know that name?” She demanded.

“He came back to school today. He told me where he’s been, what he’s been through. He told me everything.” Rick crossed his arms over his chest, unable to look at either of them.

“We told them that she was supposed to stay away from our son,” His mother hissed to his father.

“Well apparently they don’t know how to listen.” Came his father’s response. Rick chanced a glance at him and saw his face was contorted with anger.

“I don’t want her anywhere near our son!” His mother exclaimed, as though she was talking about Negan as though he carried some sort of deadly disease.

“Rick, how could you do this? How could you possibly make friends with that..that freak!”

“He is not a freak! He’s my friend! My best friend! And you pushed him away from me when he needed me most! I could’ve helped him, been there for him! But no, you had to make sure we never saw each other! How could you do that? Him, his parents, that family has always been good to us! What did they ever do to us to deserve being treated this way?!” Rick suddenly felt utterly defensive of Negan and his kind family. They were just trying to do what was best for their child and they needed support, deserved it. And his parents, his own parents had turned their backs on them, like they were nothing more than strangers.

“What they did to their daughter, what they allowed to happen to Lucille is against nature, against God. I thought you would be able to understand that, Rick.” His mother spoke to him softly, like he were a small child who had disappointed her.

“Lucille doesn’t exist anymore,” Rick stated firmly. “She is a he and his name is Negan and he is my best friend.”

His father rolled his eyes. “Oh please, give us a break, Rick, you have no idea what you’re talking about. Can’t you see that it’s wrong to change what God created?”

Rick scoffed. “Oh yeah? I guess it’s wrong to build, to burn, to be a human because it’s changing what God created! And if everything is made in God’s image and He makes no mistakes, then he made Negan in His image too, just the way he is, a boy trapped in the wrong body. That means he’s a boy, no matter what you or anyone else says.”

His father and mother looked each other before leveling their disapproving eyes on him.

“I thought we raised you better..” His mother truly looked like she was sorry for him.

“And I thought my parents were better people,” Rick murmured softly, feeling angry tears welling up in his eyes.

“You are not allowed to see...that person, whatsoever. Are we clear?”

Rick tried to breathe evenly and speak around the lump in his throat, but found he couldn’t. So he simply gave a curt nod.

“You are excused.” His father went back to his newspaper.

Rick bit his tongue to keep from saying something mean and quickly retreated upstairs to his room. He closed the door and locked it, swiping at the tears in his eyes. He retreated to the bed, curling up beneath the blankets. He resisted the urge to punch something, feeling utterly betrayed by his own mother and father.

After a moment, he pulled out his phone. He didn’t care if his parents would be angry if they found out he was texting Negan, he was going to do it anyway.

_Hey. I talked to them. Things didn’t go so well. -R_

_I’m sorry. I was afraid they’d do something like that. I remember how they were when my parents told them about everything. -N_

_They say I’m not allowed to see you. -R_

_Oh. -N_

_I guess I should’ve known this would happen. I got you back too easily. Things in my life are never easy. -N_

_Woah, wait. Just because they say that doesn’t mean I have to listen to them. -R_

_But won’t you get in trouble if they find out we’re hanging out behind their backs? -N_

_Yeah, probably. But I don’t care. This is you we’re talking about. To me, you’re worth the risk. -R_

_..Rick.. -N_

_I mean it. You mean the world to me, even after all this time. I am not letting you go when I’ve only just gotten you back. -R_

_(delayed) Okay. I won’t try to talk you out of it because I really don’t want to say goodbye again. -N_

_Neither do I, so we’re not going to. We’ll just have to be careful, that’s all. I’ll make sure to have a good excuse when I come to see you. Which I should have. They thought I was at Shane’s tonight anyway. It won’t be hard to convince them that’s what I’m doing when I’m at your place. -R_

_Look, everything’s going to be okay, I promise. I’m going to be here for you, no matter what. -R_

_Thank you. Thank you for still being you. -N_

_Don’t gotta thank me. Like I said, I’m just happy to have you back. -R_

They talked for several more hours, well into the night. Rick fell asleep, wrapped in his blankets with his phone in hand, still thinking of all the things he wanted to tell Negan.


End file.
